Thanksgiving and Other Things

So. I didn't write yesterday. I taught gospel doctrine in church so I spent the morning getting my lesson ready instead of writing. But, have no fear I intend to keep my status as an "ideal blogger," so here is my weekly blog, albeit a day late.

Well this last week was Thanksgiving, as I'm sure you all know because if you are at all like me you are voraciously devouring cold turkey sandwiches at an astonishing rate....and loving it. If you aren't like me then, first of all I am sorry that you are missing out on one of the best delicacies life has to offer and secondly, I am sure that you knew it was Thanksgiving last week as well because something else probably tipped you off - perhaps the shopping? or the unnatural profusion of yams and sweet potatoes in the grocery store? The ridiculous amount of traffic on the roads on Friday and Saturday. In any case, I'm sure, for one reason or another, we are all aware that Thanksgiving was last week.

Which is why I want to give a quick "thank you" shout out, here it goes: THANK YOU!

No, in all seriousness. I am unfathomably grateful for all that me and my family has. We are blessed; and it is truly surprising at what the Lord hath done when I count my many blessings.

This was our first Thanksgiving away from extended family and it certainly felt a little different and I think both Hillary and myself felt a little bit of the longing to be around those we love.

However, we had Thanksgiving dinner with another family in our ward who is also far away from family and had a good time. The food was delicious, conversation light, and Claire played well with their kids. Which meant a pleasant time was had by all.

I didn't have to work the holiday or the day after for the first time in 5 years. Which was very relaxing. I had forgotten that Thanksgiving can be a nice break having worked retail the last 5 years it had become sort of a work related stress rather than a break.

So, I was listening to the Glenn Beck show on Weds, (yes, I listen from time to time. I don’t believe 90% of what comes out of his mouth, but he is entertaining sometimes…since that is what he is…an entertainer)…and as I listened there was a little segment on “the dangers of an improperly or inadequately cooked turkey.” In the segment the U.S. Department of Agriculture is cited as referring to an improperly cooked turkey as "a ticking Meat Bomb of Death."

I find that humorous.

And since I have some free time on my hands every once in awhile, now that Claire has discovered Dora the Explorer, I decided to see if I could find out if the USDA actually made such a reference. Well…as I am sure you are all shocked to find out…they didn’t. (They did say that about beef and Mad Cow Disease though).

BUT, fear not, I found that an equally credible source also quoted the USDA as referring to inadequately cooked turkey as a “ticking Meat Bomb of Death” – Dave Berry.

In fact he alludes to it twice! Once in his column originally published Nov. 5 1995 and again in his column published November 21, 2004 both in The Miami Herald. So, I took the liberty of splicing a few of his thoughts together and modernizing a few of his sources and well here is what Dave Berry has to say about it:

Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons why we don't actually live with them.

But Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection - a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is - in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture - "a ticking Meat Bomb of Death."

Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Glenn Beck). Sometimes the cause is from salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains (this is probably what happened to Sarah Palin). Other times - in cases of extreme undercooking - the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.

The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the "sun." Or if you don’t have a meat thermometer the American Turkey and Giblet Council recommends that, to insure proper preparation, you cook your turkey in a heated oven for at least two full quarters of the Vikings-Lions game, then give a piece to your dog and observe it closely for symptoms such as vomiting, running for president, diarrhea etc.

"Basically, " advises the Surgeon General, "you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette." Even then you should keep a flamethrower handy.

Speaking of which: The "hot" new Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which are hugely popular because they give guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiving outside away from all the family while messing around with a device that could potentially destroy an entire neighborhood. Now that guys have decided to become seriously involved in Thanksgiving food preparation, it's only a matter of time before they come up with a recipe for mashed potatoes that involves a grenade launcher.

Of course, not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs, or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.

Of course no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without the pumpkin pie. Here's an easy recipe for this delicious traditional dessert:

1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the top off a large pumpkin.
2. Inside you will find a mess of stringy, stanky, slimy pumpkin innards. Scoop these out and discard them.
3. Now discard the rest of the pumpkin, because the simple truth, obvious to anybody with half a brain, is that NO PART of the pumpkin looks, smells or tastes ANYTHING like so-called "pumpkin" pie. This is why nobody actually makes "pumpkin" pie; everybody buys it at the supermarket. The question is: What does the supermarket put in there? The Food and Drug Administration is investigating this, and according to one informed source (Glenn Beck) "they think it's tofu."

visit The Miami Herald to read more Dave.

Anyway, I always have liked Dave Berry. Makes me laugh every time. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We missed being with family!

Being Sick is Lame.

So, not much to say about this week. We were all sick with a cold. Sore throats, coughing, stuffed sinuses, and mild fevers. Hillary caught it first then Claire then me. Not much to say about it. We've all been there and know what it is like - LAME. So we will leave it at that.

In other news Hillary is getting ready for finals. They are "only 3 weeks away" her wording not mine, my wording would be they are "still three weeks away." I suppose it is all just a matter of perspective. In any case she has been studying pretty much non stop to get ready 8-5 everyday even Saturday. She is way dedicated and I have to admire that. She even still plays with Claire every evening. Which is good because Claire loves it.

I finished reading A. Lincoln and have about 150 pages left in Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling. A. Lincoln was spectacular, read more like a novel than a biography (well don't get the wrong idea...it wasn't like readying Oscar Wilde, Brandon Mull or Jane Austin or anything like that...but as far as biographies go it might as well have been Harry Potter)....(But then again...I actually have never read Harry Potter so who knows I guess...) In any case I would recommended it to anyone. The Joseph Smith book is fairly dry. Well written, yes. Full of interesting detail and fact, yes. Sometimes annoyingly truthful, yes. But at times somewhat dry. Overall a good read. I would only recommend it, however, to someone looking for a biography of Joseph written in the biographical tradition. Meaning, it discusses Joseph's strengths, weaknesses, success and failures as man, rather than solely his success as a Prophet.

Claire's new favorite books: The Berenstein Bears. She can't get enough of them. But of course Winnie the Pooh and The Lion King are still the favorites. I'm pretty sure that a day doesn't go by without reading at least one or the other..... "Mufasa" ooooooohhh...say it again....Mufasa..."

Here is a picture of what the week pretty much went like for me:

Week Two

Well here we are: week two.

That is correct folks I have now posted two weeks in a row. Not bad I say. This was a fairly eventful week. Well, let me qualify that statement. It was a fairly eventful week from a two-year-old’s perspective. Weds was playgroup and lunch at the local community park. (yes, it was outside, and yes it was 73 degrees on Weds, and yes I mean this past Weds NOV. 10^th which having just moved from Logan Utah were it is about 40 degrees this time of year seems simply crazy to me.) All of Claire’s friends were there, plus a whole bunch of other people. We got there at about 10:30am and that is when the fun began.

Let me paint you this picture. We arrived and are parked on the opposite side of the road from the park (that is where most of the parking is). It is a fairly secluded road that doesn’t get any traffic other than people coming to the park and has a posted speed of 3mph and is so covered with speed bumps that it would be impossible to go more than 5 or 6mph even if you wanted to. So, as far as roads go, it is as safe a road as you are going to find and most folks just sort of let their kids run across it to get to the playground. However, as we all know, I am not most folks and there is no way I am going to let Claire just run across the street – even if it was Sesame Street. Because it isn’t all about the safety it is also about the principal of the thing. So, back to the story. I get Claire out of the car say “Claire wait right by the car while I get the cooler out.” So, naturally she starts to run out into the road. However, this isn’t my first rodeo; I anticipated this and quickly grabbed her arm before she got away. Repeat my first instructions about waiting by the car, and then make a quick grab for the cooler, knowing that Claire will not most likely wait for very long I take at most 30sec. Well folks. Just in case you were wondering 30secs is all a two year old needs to dash across a road. And of course there happens to be a car coming when she runs across the street.

Luckily, the car wasn’t even close to hitting her, it was still probably about 30yards away moving at no more than 3mph. Unluckily, however, it was being driven by a crazy old, somewhat saggy, lunatic woman who obviously was quite jaded because no sooner had she parked her car than she jumped out and being shouting at me. By this time, however, I had caught Claire, given her a stern talking to, placed her in the car and told her she wasn’t getting out for at least five minutes (FYI: five minutes to a two year old trying to go to a playground with her friends on it is the equivalent of about 50 years solitary confinement for an adult, at least from the way they react you would think so).

So, crazy lady jumps out of her car and starts yelling: “Are you that girl’s father?” she barks. “No” I reply, “I’m just some weird wacko that hangs out at the local playground and grabs random two year olds and puts them in my Jeep for timeout because it gives me a thrill.”

She retorts in her jaded shrill voice: “Seriously, Sir, I work for the state and you can’t let your child run rampant like that. What is your name? I am going to report you for child neglect and have you investigated.”

Glancing at Claire, who let me tell you, is just running rampant all over inside our Jeep. I reply, “Will Smith.”

She, guaffs, snorts, and then replies: “This is a serious matter, Sir, I work for the State…

“You mentioned that” I interject.

“Yes, well this is a serious matter, Yadda, Gagga, Bladda, whoodaa…nonsense nonsense nonsense”

I stopped listening after she mentioned “serious matter” again. Claire’s five minutes were up and it was time to go play. There is no room for serious matters on park day.

Ok. So I didn’t actually say all the stuff I quoted myself as saying. I only thought those things in my head as she was ranting at me. In fact, I didn’t actually say anything. Not one word. She said everything I quoted her as saying. But I didn’t even acknowledge her presence. She was like a gnat trying to perturb a Tyrannosaurus Rex; a miniscule annoyance not worth the effort to acknowledge.

And so we walked away to the playground and enjoyed the rest of the day as she rambled in the background.

Thursday. Took Claire to what I thought would be a drop off and play at her friend’s house. Somehow that was miscommunicated. Ended up staying at the house with Claire, Claire’s friend, her friend's little brother and their mom. This is awkward. Nothing else to say about that experience other than I felt somewhat awkward but Claire had a blast.

Friday. We went to the Maple Valley Dairy Farm with a bunch of other people from the ward. (I say people but it is really all the moms and their kids and me and Claire). Claire had a blast and got to milk a cow. We went on a hay ride, got to see some baby cows, and petted a llama, horse, goat and donkey. Learned about the homogenization process and saw the milking machines. Then ate some Ice cream from the dairy it was good.

I would pontificate more about Thursday and Fridays events but I have already become quite long winded in this post and so will post a few pics from the Dairy visit and call it good.

Claire milking the cow

Claire looking at the llama

The Advent

While at "playgroup" the other day with Claire the other kid’s mom's were talking. They do that alot, talk that is. Usually, I just bring a book along and sit somewhere inconspicuous and read. Lately, A. Lincoln and Joseph Smith Rough Stone Rolling. But, don't be fooled just because I am reading doesn't mean I am not listening. And so, in the course of their conversation, they lighted upon the subject of Blogging. As I listened I found out a few things: Apparently, they are all bloggers. Apparently, blogging about your family is cool. Apparently, if you don't keep up on your blogging you are lazy. Apparently, you should blog a minimum of once a month, ideally once a week, if you are a "hardcore" blogger – daily; and if you are a loser -never. Apparently, I was a lame, lazy, loser.

Well never one to be lame, lazy, loser I was left with no other choice than to bring about:

The Advent of Mormon Man Blogging.

So, to catch everyone up really quick: Hillary, Claire and I moved to Chapel Hill, NC the past August so Hillary could start Law School at UNC. So far we love it. Obviously, there have been ups and downs, good days and bad, but ultimately we have, thus far, enjoyed the experience. Me and Claire have been spending large quantities of time together and have been "adjusting to each other." I put "adjusting to each other" in quotations because, let's be honest here, it is really just Claire adjusting to me. And me adjusting to being home....Let me just say this about being home all the time...it does things to you. (Point and case: me writing this blog).

For our first post I figured I would post a "virtual tour" of our apartment. I have it on very good sources that this is a very popular and hip thing to do for one of your first posts...especially if your extended family lives far away....which ours does...and it seems fairly easy so here you go: