Thanksgiving and Other Things

So. I didn't write yesterday. I taught gospel doctrine in church so I spent the morning getting my lesson ready instead of writing. But, have no fear I intend to keep my status as an "ideal blogger," so here is my weekly blog, albeit a day late.

Well this last week was Thanksgiving, as I'm sure you all know because if you are at all like me you are voraciously devouring cold turkey sandwiches at an astonishing rate....and loving it. If you aren't like me then, first of all I am sorry that you are missing out on one of the best delicacies life has to offer and secondly, I am sure that you knew it was Thanksgiving last week as well because something else probably tipped you off - perhaps the shopping? or the unnatural profusion of yams and sweet potatoes in the grocery store? The ridiculous amount of traffic on the roads on Friday and Saturday. In any case, I'm sure, for one reason or another, we are all aware that Thanksgiving was last week.

Which is why I want to give a quick "thank you" shout out, here it goes: THANK YOU!

No, in all seriousness. I am unfathomably grateful for all that me and my family has. We are blessed; and it is truly surprising at what the Lord hath done when I count my many blessings.

This was our first Thanksgiving away from extended family and it certainly felt a little different and I think both Hillary and myself felt a little bit of the longing to be around those we love.

However, we had Thanksgiving dinner with another family in our ward who is also far away from family and had a good time. The food was delicious, conversation light, and Claire played well with their kids. Which meant a pleasant time was had by all.

I didn't have to work the holiday or the day after for the first time in 5 years. Which was very relaxing. I had forgotten that Thanksgiving can be a nice break having worked retail the last 5 years it had become sort of a work related stress rather than a break.

So, I was listening to the Glenn Beck show on Weds, (yes, I listen from time to time. I don’t believe 90% of what comes out of his mouth, but he is entertaining sometimes…since that is what he is…an entertainer)…and as I listened there was a little segment on “the dangers of an improperly or inadequately cooked turkey.” In the segment the U.S. Department of Agriculture is cited as referring to an improperly cooked turkey as "a ticking Meat Bomb of Death."

I find that humorous.

And since I have some free time on my hands every once in awhile, now that Claire has discovered Dora the Explorer, I decided to see if I could find out if the USDA actually made such a reference. Well…as I am sure you are all shocked to find out…they didn’t. (They did say that about beef and Mad Cow Disease though).

BUT, fear not, I found that an equally credible source also quoted the USDA as referring to inadequately cooked turkey as a “ticking Meat Bomb of Death” – Dave Berry.

In fact he alludes to it twice! Once in his column originally published Nov. 5 1995 and again in his column published November 21, 2004 both in The Miami Herald. So, I took the liberty of splicing a few of his thoughts together and modernizing a few of his sources and well here is what Dave Berry has to say about it:

Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons why we don't actually live with them.

But Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection - a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is - in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture - "a ticking Meat Bomb of Death."

Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Glenn Beck). Sometimes the cause is from salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains (this is probably what happened to Sarah Palin). Other times - in cases of extreme undercooking - the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.

The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the "sun." Or if you don’t have a meat thermometer the American Turkey and Giblet Council recommends that, to insure proper preparation, you cook your turkey in a heated oven for at least two full quarters of the Vikings-Lions game, then give a piece to your dog and observe it closely for symptoms such as vomiting, running for president, diarrhea etc.

"Basically, " advises the Surgeon General, "you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette." Even then you should keep a flamethrower handy.

Speaking of which: The "hot" new Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which are hugely popular because they give guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiving outside away from all the family while messing around with a device that could potentially destroy an entire neighborhood. Now that guys have decided to become seriously involved in Thanksgiving food preparation, it's only a matter of time before they come up with a recipe for mashed potatoes that involves a grenade launcher.

Of course, not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs, or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.

Of course no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without the pumpkin pie. Here's an easy recipe for this delicious traditional dessert:

1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the top off a large pumpkin.
2. Inside you will find a mess of stringy, stanky, slimy pumpkin innards. Scoop these out and discard them.
3. Now discard the rest of the pumpkin, because the simple truth, obvious to anybody with half a brain, is that NO PART of the pumpkin looks, smells or tastes ANYTHING like so-called "pumpkin" pie. This is why nobody actually makes "pumpkin" pie; everybody buys it at the supermarket. The question is: What does the supermarket put in there? The Food and Drug Administration is investigating this, and according to one informed source (Glenn Beck) "they think it's tofu."

visit The Miami Herald to read more Dave.

Anyway, I always have liked Dave Berry. Makes me laugh every time. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We missed being with family!